As a fairly typical American woman, I’ve seen just about every Disney movie there is. I like to think that throughout my life, I’ve been fairly grounded enough to know that real life romance is NOTHING like a Disney movie, though I’m sure at 7 years old I really did think that my Prince was coming someday.
You know, because he totally is. *sure, sure*
Anyway, I get into arguments all the time with other people over which princesses is the best (I like Jasmine and Aurora), but I like to push buttons and argue over which PRINCE is the best.
So here is my stance on Disney princes.
Let’s start with Snow White’s Prince, who doesn’t even have a name. He’s just “The Prince’. He likes to go around in the woods and kiss dead (okay, sleeping) girls that have been living with 7 dwarves. That’s not sketchy or anything.
Cinderella’s Prince Charming and his foot fetish. Did he seriously go to every house in the kingdom and put this shoe on every girl? And are you telling me that that shoe only fit on ONE girl? I wear my friends’ shoes all the time! I don’t care how much magic was used- it’s a friggin glass shoe. Either way- Prince Charming is lame and has a lame name.
Then let’s go to the Beast from Beauty and the Beast. Or Prince Adam or whatever it is they call him when he’s not some bear-lion-devil thing. I really shouldn’t have to say much. He takes Belle’s dad prisoner, first of all. She trades places with him and is now the prisoner. Seriously? That’s your “how we met” story? He’s extremely violent and verbally abusive. And he won’t let her leave the castle? Wow. When he finally lets her go, she has a wicked case of Stockholm Syndrome and comes back. What.the.hell.Belle. Yea- guy’s a douche. I don’t care that he gave a library to the girl. That’s what abusive guys do. They give you something pretty, abuse you, and then give you something pretty again. It’s a cycle, people. So there you have it- the Beast is a douche.
Prince Eric. Oh how I want to love Prince Eric. He’s so dreamy and he’s got his own boat. He has no interest in politics and just wants to sail around and talk about mythology. Yes, Eric, you are lovely. However, no woman is good enough for you. You’ve got the whole package in front of you (Ariel), minus the voice. And not only that, she had plastic surgery FOR YOU and she’s still not good enough! And then some bitch comes along and you immediately go to her because she’s got a pretty voice (even if she doesn’t look like your dream woman…)? Don’t be a douche, Eric. However, I’ll give you a few points since you cowboy’d up and helped kill Ursula. That was straight up awesome.
Now we come to Aladdin, who I absolutely adore and would normally put at the top of my list. However, he is NOT a prince. He shouldn’t even be on this list! He’s a compulsive liar, even if he is hot as hell. I could get over your sad past, but the fact that you LIED to Jasmine’s face is pretty bad.
Next is Simba. While part of me loves him because he’s supposed to be Hamlet, I just don’t really like him. I get that he was just a kid when he thought he killed his dad. But then he’s all lame and is “unemployed” in the jungle, eating bugs. Ew. Get away from me.
John Smith from Pocahontas. Not a prince, but I’ll entertain you here. Seriously? He comes to town and kills your people and takes your stuff. Yea, that’s the guy I wanna date. Then he just up and leaves you! C’mon!!
Prince Li Shang is the prince from Mulan and I don’t like him at all. Talk about chauvinist. “I’ll make you a man!” I mean, great military leader, but he doesn’t think women can amount to anything but be pretty little play things at home. No way.
Oh and Prince Naveen from Princess and the Frog. He’s a slut. Totally self centered. His parents even cut him off since he wasn’t doing anything productive. Points for his love of jazz music, though. He seems to be kinda loveable, in that he’s so stupid you can’t help but love him, but he’s still a skeeze. And only marrying for money because that’s all he’s about. At least he smartens up in the end.
I guess we could throw in Flynn Rider in here, too. You know, the guy from Tangled. Totally not a prince. Totally a theif. He’s only hanging around Rapunzel because he wants his satchel back. He ends up being a sweetheart, but he hardly counts for anything since he’s not a prince.
This all leads me to my favorite prince- Prince Phillip from Sleeping Beauty.
First of all- the guy is totally adorable. He can also sing and dance pretty well and what lady doesn’t love that? Animals seem to like him and they’re great judges of character. When he finds out that his lady is in danger, he enlists help and goes off to fight the evil MAGIC DRAGON to save her! What a guy! I mean, just a stellar, standup guy!
So there you have it. Even though I’m sure I left some out, Prince Phillip is still the best Disney prince out there!
However- I do have to add one thing. With the recent purchase of the Star Wars franchise by Disney, we now have a new Disney prince- Prince Luke Skywalker. But helllll to the no- we don’t like him, right ladies? He’s so whiny! And he’s a sister-kisser!! Although, do you know who becomes a Disney prince in the end? Motherf*cking Han Solo. And it’s a good thing for Prince Phillip that Han Solo isn’t technically a prince until after the movies, because he’d sooooo be my number 1. I mean, he’s completely sexy, has a fast ride, hangs out with a wookie, and the swagger of a champion. Bestill my heart.
Alas- he’s not a prince, so Prince Phillip still wins for now.
What are your thoughts on the Disney princes?
For funsies, I’ll leave you with my favorite Disney prince+princess scene: