You’re on your first date and you’re not attracted to your date. What do you do?

Personally, this has happened to me a million times. I could write a million posts about the dates I’ve been on where I was banging my head on the table the entire time (figuratively, obviously), trying to figure out how to get out of there.

I’m too nice to just flat out say “Hey, this isn’t working out for me, I’m just gonna head home, okay?”. In the past, I’ve gone through with the whole date and then just either texted the guy later saying something like “I’ve been dating around and I actually met someone else that I’m more into and I don’t want to lead you on” or “I’m not really sure what I am looking for right now- not sure that I want an actual relationship and I don’t want to waste your time if you’re looking for something more serious right now”.

I’m soooo original.

Anyway, I feel that this is a big issue when it comes to online dating. You find a guy (or gal) that looks pretty attractive, they seem interesting enough, and you’ve sent and received some messages that led to your first meeting. Then you meet in person and you’re like “wait, no this is not what I was expecting!”

The other night, I went to a book launch party for Laurie Davis of fame, for her Love at First Click book that was just published. First off- she’s absolutely fantastic and her book is incredible (as far as I’ve gotten into it so far anyway). Second, she gave out a few quick tips to the audience (and to us lucky few that had some drinks with her afterwards).

The best tip of the night, in my opinion, was about the first meeting during online dating. She told us that the first meeting is NOT a date. In “offline” dating, you meet someone out in the “real world” and you can tell from that meeting if there is chemistry. Then you go on a first date and what not from there. In online dating, you miss out on that opportunity to figure out if you two jive or not in person, so that’s what the first meeting is for!

Instantly, I knew what my issue was with my dates and why there were so many awkward first encounters.

I was putting too much pressure on the first meeting. And then we’d go out to some bar or to dinner and it would be hours of the two of us awkwardly figuring out if we were into each other in person.

Laurie’s advice was that the first meeting should be between 45 minutes to an hour. Something low key and simple, just to see if you two click. You want to leave that first meeting right when the chemistry is at it’s peak so that you leave on a great note and are already scheduling your second date.

Or if you don’t click, you didn’t waste a whole lot of time and money on the whole thing.

I love this idea. With the pressure taken off of the first meeting, you two will feel more natural and at ease. Also, if you don’t click, you won’t feel too stressed about it. It was just two people meeting, not a horrible first date.

I love it.

I also like reading And That’s Why You’re Single and she recently posted about telling your date that you’re not interested while on the date itself. Ballsy!! You can read her article here. Personally, I couldn’t do it, but I admire her courage and bluntness (is that a real word? It sounds funny…). I do like that she tells her dates that she’s not interested before they spend too much time/money on the date, but man, I could never do it.

What do you guys do when you’re not attracted to a person?
Any stories you want to share?

xoxo Jess


6 thoughts on “You’re on your first date and you’re not attracted to your date. What do you do?

  1. Hi. Thanks for the link back.

    In regards to Laurie Davis’s advice to keep first meetings to 45 minutes to an hour, I’m curious how many times she’s actually done that herself. That sounds like one of those things that dating experts like to say but have never actually implemented themselves. If they had, they’d know why that’s a counter-intuitive approach to dating. Why should someone go through all the motions to prepare for and arrive at a date just for 45 minutes? What if you’re having fun?

    I’ve always found that the people who go into dates with these sort of disclaimers and limitations are already half-way to not interested. When people say things like, ‘Who knows…you might not think I’m your type” or ‘Why don’t we plan to do XYZ..just in case things don’t work out” they’re really saying, “I’m on the fence.” They’re telling you without telling you that they’re not sure. People should go out with people whom they are genuinely excited to meet. Not just anybody who shows interest. That’s why people get so burnt out on online dating.

    • All good points, but I can’t answer for Laurie. I tend to agree with Laurie on this. It’s hard to leave at the high point of the date, but if you leave while the energy is good, it’ll leave both of you wanting the next date sooner rather than later.

  2. I had that happen to me where the guy tells me a few days after our date that he’s not that into me when during it I thought we had something. Maybe it is better to say you’re not feeling it right then and there so you don’t waste time. Do you have any suggestions for simple low-key dates like the one’s she was talking about?

  3. In my 40s age group, it’s standard to meet the person at the bar for some glasses of wine or at a coffee shop for coffee and tea.

    Reasons being 1) It’s an easy get to know you better encounter without both the time and financial commitment of a full blown date dinner 2) A kiss in that first meeting is not appropriate 3) It’s safe to part ways without knowing where each other lives

    If it’s going shockingly well and your brain and body are completely tingling, THEN ask the the other person wants to sit down for dinner or go to another bar or restaurant.

  4. I couldn’t agree with you more about keeping that first meeting short – my rule is usually drinks because then if I’m having a dreadful time, I just say that I’m meeting a friend for dinner. If it’s going well, I stay and I end up having a bite with the date. But, that happens SO rarely. Online dating is still a little weird even if you do it right. It requires a lot of time, energy and majorly dialed-down expectations. But many of my friends have had success – some even married. As far as letting someone down easy, that always seems to be hard to do. And it seems like it’s always the ones that you’re not interested in who don’t seem to get it 🙂

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